With prep course officially complete we are now past the next hurdle.
I am finding the waiting so much easier by breaking the adoption process down into small hurdles.
- information evening
- waiting for initial home visit
- waiting for answer from agency
- waiting for prep course
- starting homestudy
- completing homestudy
- panel
The smaller waits are more bareable for a not so patient person like myself. DH doesnt seem to have a problem with the waiting, he just seems to take it all in his stride.
Anyway I am digressing, today was really lovely, we had a question and answer session, we had a discipline activity where we had to say what was and wasnt appropriate behaviour and which behaviours we would punish (i hate that term)
We then got to meet two lovely couples both of whom had adopted, one had adopted 7 after having her own 7 so 14 children (all bar two still living at home) and all 7 adopted had disabilities, braver woman than I am I can tell you.
The other couple had adopted a sibling group of two boys both very young at placement. I think they were 9months and 21 months from memory, they brought photos, told us their stories, shared happy and sad memories since placement it was a real high for the end of the day and a few emotional tears flowed. They are actually flowing now as I write this just thinking about it.
We also discussed social networking and the dangers of social networking for adopters and adopted children. A discussion I might raise on adoption UK forums as it is one that we are united on that it isnt safe, however shared views on this would be appreciated.
I am officially emotionally drained, so I am off for a large glass of wine...
Wednesday 22 May 2013
Prep course - day 3
Oh I forgot to add a post about my test results following the medical last week... They came back all fine, nothing to worry about, apparently the urine samples can be extra sensitive and although there is small amounts of protein there, it is nothing to worry about health wise.
Well we have now complete 3/4 of the prep course and it has been great. A lot of the information we are given I had already researched and had a lot from adoption UK. The experienced posters on there are a wealth of information and I strongly urge you to ask as many questions as possible if you are sat there reading this as a potential prospective adopter.
No books or fact sheets can share with you the reality of the process and what life as an adoptive parent will be like more than stories from the people who have been there and got the t-shirt.
So today we meet with a child pshychologist who helps us understand the trauma the children we are likely to be placed with will have experienced. She helps us get an insight into the minds of various age groups and shows examples of how best to help children manage their emotions. It is all very complicated and deep at times but the basics seem to me to be very super nanny like. Which by the way is currently one of my favourite programmes. I am however all too aware that until we are home with our child we will not be able to tell which strategies work best for us. So I am trying my best to keep an open mind on this matter.
We also get to meet a lovely lady who adopted an 'older' child. She told us about the difficulties she faced, including introductions made difficult, and the problems they have faced mother and son since placement.
There were a few group members asking the next day why she was so dull and depressing about everything...
Well apart from the topic being called "difficulties in adoption placements" which kind of spells out that it isnt going to be a happy ever after all singing and dancing topic, Dont all adoptions face problems. Its not going to be a bed of roses 100% of the time. How disappointed would we be as adopters if the prep course was four days of how wonderful and perfect life will be post placement.
Hmmm... a wonderful thought maybe - but just not realistic...
Well we have now complete 3/4 of the prep course and it has been great. A lot of the information we are given I had already researched and had a lot from adoption UK. The experienced posters on there are a wealth of information and I strongly urge you to ask as many questions as possible if you are sat there reading this as a potential prospective adopter.
No books or fact sheets can share with you the reality of the process and what life as an adoptive parent will be like more than stories from the people who have been there and got the t-shirt.
So today we meet with a child pshychologist who helps us understand the trauma the children we are likely to be placed with will have experienced. She helps us get an insight into the minds of various age groups and shows examples of how best to help children manage their emotions. It is all very complicated and deep at times but the basics seem to me to be very super nanny like. Which by the way is currently one of my favourite programmes. I am however all too aware that until we are home with our child we will not be able to tell which strategies work best for us. So I am trying my best to keep an open mind on this matter.
We also get to meet a lovely lady who adopted an 'older' child. She told us about the difficulties she faced, including introductions made difficult, and the problems they have faced mother and son since placement.
There were a few group members asking the next day why she was so dull and depressing about everything...
Well apart from the topic being called "difficulties in adoption placements" which kind of spells out that it isnt going to be a happy ever after all singing and dancing topic, Dont all adoptions face problems. Its not going to be a bed of roses 100% of the time. How disappointed would we be as adopters if the prep course was four days of how wonderful and perfect life will be post placement.
Hmmm... a wonderful thought maybe - but just not realistic...
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Medical
We had our medical examinations earlier at our local GP surgery.They both went fine in the main, just a couple of things on mine really.
1) My weight - I knew this would come up... I have been over weight for some time now. As a child I was always relatively thin, I was active, had a balanced diet and was just an average sized child. So What happened?
Well firstly I was diagnosed with Kidney disease as a teenager which gave me severe water retention and I put weight on there, when that was under control I was told no sports/activities until I was discharged from the hospital permenantly. This was 2 years but I did do some sport in the second year. Then I suppose the rest is my own doing, eating too much and moving too little.
I started to ice skate and some of the weight started shifting, I was skating 3-4 + times per week and believe me it is a very good exercise for this, I was competing and had the drive to push harder in training. But then I came off the end of a 14 man wheel and trapped nerved and had damage to my shoulder... Stupidly I didnt go back, i was in a lot of pain for quite some time and when it did eventually heal I had lost my confidence. Since then the weight has piled on and I NEED to do something about it for me as well as for the adoption.
Back in January I joined Slimming world and lost 11lb between then and the medical today. I just need to keep it up. However despite all of this the doctor said that I am fit and healthy despite my being over weight and just try to loose what I can.
So I am eating more of the right things and less of the wrong things, and trying to get back into some sort of exercise regime. Easier said than done hey! 2) The only other slight problem that arose was my urine sample was a little out of whack. I apparently was showing protein which is not good and one of the main signs of the kidney disease returning which i had as a child. I really dont need this right now. My GP is lovely and had completed the medical assessment form for us and gave it us to send back, so we know it has gone. She has mentioned the protein but also added a note stating that as a result of the protein showing she has run some further tests on a 24hour return and will contact them should there be any problems arising from the tests that would impact the adoption medical assessment.
SO NOW I MUST WAIT PATIENTLY FOR 24 HOURS
I really havent the time now to be ill, i feel well in myself and I will just have to sit tight and hope for the best...
On a side note the amount of things checked/tested in these medical examinations is ridiculous, however i did see it as a good indicator im working well and fit and healthy in the main.
Prep course - day 2
Well a bright and early start in our household this morning -
Tea is prepared for this evening, the homework is complete and our gorgeous staff/lab is on a walk with her daddy on the fields behind our house. And it is still only 7:45am!!!
I will be back this evening to update on how today goes...
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Today has been another exhausting day. I am so glad I made a nice cottage pie for tea this morning. We have spoke of attachment and the job of a foster carer, the handover at intro's and placement and the importance of transferring attachment and following existing routines to help the child/children settle and feel safe.
I didn't speak much in my post yesterday about the people in prep group. We appear to be quite divided sadly, this could be down to the large size of the group but we seem to have hit it off with a gay couple who were actually on our information evening back in August last year. They are fab and I can see we will remain friends after the course. There are a couple of other quieter couples on the course who disappear at breaks and lunch and there are some other couples who havent stopped bragging about money. Hello its not a competition but this has been two days now I have listened to three couples in their bid to prove how well financially they have done for themselves.
There were a couple of other couples we have hit it off with and life long friends may not be the outcome but we will certainly keep in touch and wish them well.
There is a park just behind the training venue and the weather has been gorgeous today. So like the big kids we are we sat on the swings for 10 mins to get some fresh air. We got busted by the social workers running the course but they found it highly amusing.
Back to the foster carer. She was lovely and has cared for 120 plus children in her time as a foster carer. Some have been reunited with birth families whilst others she has moved on to adoptive placements. She must have some patience, and a lot of love to go around. Superwoman sprung to mind and she had many funny stories to share with us. It just gave us that little hope "PLEASE LET US GET HER AS THE FOSTER CARER WHEN ITS OUR TURN".
A small shock by way of a voicemail arrived on my phone during one of todays sessions from our LA, there was a problem with my CRB... I had a gap on my address history, erm... i cant explain that, I definaitely wasnt homeless i promise. Error on my part clearly, I wouldnt mind but it was only last year I had myself down as homeless. Just a little glitch, she is getting it sent straight back off today corrected.
I am kind of glad now at the end of day 2 that it is another week before prep course day 3, it is a lot to take in and I have only scratched the surface on the topics that have hit home with me.
Tea is prepared for this evening, the homework is complete and our gorgeous staff/lab is on a walk with her daddy on the fields behind our house. And it is still only 7:45am!!!
I will be back this evening to update on how today goes...
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Today has been another exhausting day. I am so glad I made a nice cottage pie for tea this morning. We have spoke of attachment and the job of a foster carer, the handover at intro's and placement and the importance of transferring attachment and following existing routines to help the child/children settle and feel safe.
I didn't speak much in my post yesterday about the people in prep group. We appear to be quite divided sadly, this could be down to the large size of the group but we seem to have hit it off with a gay couple who were actually on our information evening back in August last year. They are fab and I can see we will remain friends after the course. There are a couple of other quieter couples on the course who disappear at breaks and lunch and there are some other couples who havent stopped bragging about money. Hello its not a competition but this has been two days now I have listened to three couples in their bid to prove how well financially they have done for themselves.
There were a couple of other couples we have hit it off with and life long friends may not be the outcome but we will certainly keep in touch and wish them well.
There is a park just behind the training venue and the weather has been gorgeous today. So like the big kids we are we sat on the swings for 10 mins to get some fresh air. We got busted by the social workers running the course but they found it highly amusing.
Back to the foster carer. She was lovely and has cared for 120 plus children in her time as a foster carer. Some have been reunited with birth families whilst others she has moved on to adoptive placements. She must have some patience, and a lot of love to go around. Superwoman sprung to mind and she had many funny stories to share with us. It just gave us that little hope "PLEASE LET US GET HER AS THE FOSTER CARER WHEN ITS OUR TURN".
A small shock by way of a voicemail arrived on my phone during one of todays sessions from our LA, there was a problem with my CRB... I had a gap on my address history, erm... i cant explain that, I definaitely wasnt homeless i promise. Error on my part clearly, I wouldnt mind but it was only last year I had myself down as homeless. Just a little glitch, she is getting it sent straight back off today corrected.
I am kind of glad now at the end of day 2 that it is another week before prep course day 3, it is a lot to take in and I have only scratched the surface on the topics that have hit home with me.
Prep Course - day 1
The prep course has arrived and we are both a bag of nerves...
We are not on the course run by our own LA as they share the prep courses with two other LA's therefore we have had to travel a bit for it.
We have only driven up and down the same road 3 times before I can convince theknow it all darling husband that we need to stop and ask someone local for directions. The lollipop lady was quite amused as we were the second couple to stop and ask her. Gosh, this was not the stress we needed on day 1 of the course.
Anyway we park and we are on time, infact we are 20 mins early - that was probably down to my obsessive not wanting to be late characteristics which I know for a fact drive my hubby mad!
The group was a really large one 12 couples in total. We were told to expect around 12 people or so in total so it was a little over whelming.
Now I am quite a confident person when in company I am familiar with, I am even considered confident when meeting new people on a one to one level, I am happy to strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone. However put me in a large group of people I dont know much about and I am pretty quiet. So my worst fear was alieved when we were told that we would not have to stand and introduce ourselves and that we could opt for name badges instead.
We were told the format of the course, who would be visiting us, what we would be covering and that we would be expected to participate in as much as possible.
Today we met a birth mother, who came to speak to us about what life has been like since having her youngest daughter removed. She lived for the letterbox contact they exchanged and on the hope that one day her daughter would come and look for her...
So my feelings towards this... partly i was sad for her, I felt bad that she couldnt turn her life around. I also felt anger that she assumed this child would definitely come looking for her when she was 18. More so i felt sad for the child in question. She was obviously flourishing with her adoptive parents, they sent the birth mother pictures that she had drawn etc and there was this expectation on the child from the birth mother to seek her out. However I felt a caring side as well, that had this woman had a little more love care and education in her upbringing she may have stood in better stead for caring for her own children. It taught me that given the opportunity I would like to meet any birth parents, just so that they could see who is going to be caring for their children in the hope that gave them a degree of comfort to allow them to start to move on with their lives. It also highlighted just how important letterbox contact is for all involved.
So after hearing all the messages on the Adoption UK boards of how tiring prep course is, and from thinking I would be fine and that it couldnt be that tiring sitting and listening to information. I am absolutely exhausted, maybe even dead on my feet. Takeaway it is tonight and tomorrow I will try and be more organised for our evening meal. Oh and a large glass of vino to wash that down nicely.
The homework can wait until morning... some things never change.
We are not on the course run by our own LA as they share the prep courses with two other LA's therefore we have had to travel a bit for it.
We have only driven up and down the same road 3 times before I can convince the
Anyway we park and we are on time, infact we are 20 mins early - that was probably down to my obsessive not wanting to be late characteristics which I know for a fact drive my hubby mad!
The group was a really large one 12 couples in total. We were told to expect around 12 people or so in total so it was a little over whelming.
Now I am quite a confident person when in company I am familiar with, I am even considered confident when meeting new people on a one to one level, I am happy to strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone. However put me in a large group of people I dont know much about and I am pretty quiet. So my worst fear was alieved when we were told that we would not have to stand and introduce ourselves and that we could opt for name badges instead.
We were told the format of the course, who would be visiting us, what we would be covering and that we would be expected to participate in as much as possible.
Today we met a birth mother, who came to speak to us about what life has been like since having her youngest daughter removed. She lived for the letterbox contact they exchanged and on the hope that one day her daughter would come and look for her...
So my feelings towards this... partly i was sad for her, I felt bad that she couldnt turn her life around. I also felt anger that she assumed this child would definitely come looking for her when she was 18. More so i felt sad for the child in question. She was obviously flourishing with her adoptive parents, they sent the birth mother pictures that she had drawn etc and there was this expectation on the child from the birth mother to seek her out. However I felt a caring side as well, that had this woman had a little more love care and education in her upbringing she may have stood in better stead for caring for her own children. It taught me that given the opportunity I would like to meet any birth parents, just so that they could see who is going to be caring for their children in the hope that gave them a degree of comfort to allow them to start to move on with their lives. It also highlighted just how important letterbox contact is for all involved.
So after hearing all the messages on the Adoption UK boards of how tiring prep course is, and from thinking I would be fine and that it couldnt be that tiring sitting and listening to information. I am absolutely exhausted, maybe even dead on my feet. Takeaway it is tonight and tomorrow I will try and be more organised for our evening meal. Oh and a large glass of vino to wash that down nicely.
The homework can wait until morning... some things never change.
Referee's are contacted
On our application form which we had to complete we were asked to select three referees who had known both of us as a couple for 5 years or more.
This wasa struggle impossible given we had only been together 4 years and had no good mutual friends previously. So covering all bases we sat down and selected three each - only one of each set of three could be a relative.
So... with 6 referee's chosen we had done our part and were left wondering if all 6 would be questioned about us.
As it is three have been selected and sent referee forms to complete sign and return. Were they the three we would have chosen had we selected them first hand ourselves???
As the song goes "two out of three aint bad"...
We felt that the third one would be able to give an excellent account of my husband's character and personality but knew very little of our relationship, our experience with children or about Myself as an individual. The first two although primarily are my family member and friend can give a full account of both of us due to the frequency we see each other and the interation they have witnessed from both of us with children.
Anyway all three completed their referee forms for us promptly and have returned them back to the agency offices.
We believe that this will be the first stage of their reference for us.
This was
So... with 6 referee's chosen we had done our part and were left wondering if all 6 would be questioned about us.
As it is three have been selected and sent referee forms to complete sign and return. Were they the three we would have chosen had we selected them first hand ourselves???
As the song goes "two out of three aint bad"...
We felt that the third one would be able to give an excellent account of my husband's character and personality but knew very little of our relationship, our experience with children or about Myself as an individual. The first two although primarily are my family member and friend can give a full account of both of us due to the frequency we see each other and the interation they have witnessed from both of us with children.
Anyway all three completed their referee forms for us promptly and have returned them back to the agency offices.
We believe that this will be the first stage of their reference for us.
Wednesday 16 January 2013
Chasing paperwork
If there is one thing I have learnt from this process so far, is that Local Authorities are under staffed and that their social workers are over worked. So it is not surprising that from time to time things get overlooked.
This small fact however true it is does not stop impatient people like myself getting a littlepee'd off irate from time to time.
We received our prep course dates on 13th December following a small email from myself expressing my concern that DH would need some notice in order to book annual leave. The reply was great, that the course had been set for 2 days at the end of feb and 2 days at the beginning of march. We would receive our application form 6 weeks before prep and needed to complete it asap.
Needless to say no paperwork arrived, no confirmation of the prep course, no application form and no consent forms that we were advised we would receive. With only 5 weeks until prep course I was on a mission to chase these up. The manager apologised prefusely and advised they were extremely business and had a few staff off sick. She hand delivered them to us that evening and we set about completing everything.
Once we had completed the long and time consuming application form we arranged a meeting at the local offices to deliver everything back and take all copy documentation in as requested.
For those that may be reading this looking for an insight into the process the application form asked the following - however I do believe that the application forms vary from agency to agency and also the timing on when they are sent is also different.
Current name
Previous names
DOB
Address history
Contact numbers
Doctors
Education history
Employment history
Chronolgy of personal life events
Referee's names adddress and contact numbers
Criminal record (incl driving offences)
Incomings and outgoings, budget sheet
I am sure there was more so I will look back and check the photocopy I have taken so I can add to this to make it as full and complete as possible.
So everything was now in place and we could look forward to prep course.
This small fact however true it is does not stop impatient people like myself getting a little
We received our prep course dates on 13th December following a small email from myself expressing my concern that DH would need some notice in order to book annual leave. The reply was great, that the course had been set for 2 days at the end of feb and 2 days at the beginning of march. We would receive our application form 6 weeks before prep and needed to complete it asap.
Needless to say no paperwork arrived, no confirmation of the prep course, no application form and no consent forms that we were advised we would receive. With only 5 weeks until prep course I was on a mission to chase these up. The manager apologised prefusely and advised they were extremely business and had a few staff off sick. She hand delivered them to us that evening and we set about completing everything.
Once we had completed the long and time consuming application form we arranged a meeting at the local offices to deliver everything back and take all copy documentation in as requested.
For those that may be reading this looking for an insight into the process the application form asked the following - however I do believe that the application forms vary from agency to agency and also the timing on when they are sent is also different.
Current name
Previous names
DOB
Address history
Contact numbers
Doctors
Education history
Employment history
Chronolgy of personal life events
Referee's names adddress and contact numbers
Criminal record (incl driving offences)
Incomings and outgoings, budget sheet
I am sure there was more so I will look back and check the photocopy I have taken so I can add to this to make it as full and complete as possible.
So everything was now in place and we could look forward to prep course.
making use of the waiting
Well over the last few weeks/months we have been getting in plenty of research and I have been very fortunate in finding a wonderful private day care nursery placement to gain some additional experience. Being self employed I had every Tuesday free and every other Monday. My best friend manages their family businesses (private day care nurserys for 0-4 year olds)
After 2 voluntary sessions I was in love with the work, the other staff and the children at the nursery. It was very hard work - so hats off to any nursery nurses out there whose jobs are made out to be easy playing with a babies to keep them entertained.
Whilst I am on the subject of being self employed, i have to say i think that it is outrageous that WE AREN'T ENTITLED TO ADOPTION PAY! I have heard there are talks of this changing and all i will say is its about time, although it is highly unlikely to come in for when we adopt.
We have joined adoption UK (we did this before the info evening) and have also subscribed to be my parent, to give us a wider understanding of the types of children that are waiting to be adopted.
I have actively posted in adoption UK for advice and also have posted replies to other people on the site. It is a great source of support and is so lovely to hear people’s stories. It is also sad to hear from those not having such good experiences but brings home the reality of adopting a child whose needs you can only do your best to meet.
I have read related by adoption and the hubby is currently working his way through it. I have started this blog as I was truly inspired by Gem whose blog is “life with Katie – our adoption story”. If I can inspire or help just one person with this blog the way she has with me then it will be well worth it and on top of that, this will be something for our little ones to look back on in years to come to see firsthand how much they were longed for and had a place in our hearts before they were matched.
Well I am over and out now as I have a couple of clients coming to see me – I am making them all aware of their need to become more organised, yeah right - like that is ever going to happen!
Is it a mistake???
OK so after my last post the happy dancing has stopped and the stark realisation that this could have been a mistake is starting to sink in.
I was still pinching myself about Saturday’s letter and can’t quite believe it. How can it go from you won’t hear from us again now but if you still feel the same in Jan get in touch and we can redo the initial home assessment and take it from there, to you are on the Feb/mar prep course, dates to be confirmed.
I was still pinching myself about Saturday’s letter and can’t quite believe it. How can it go from you won’t hear from us again now but if you still feel the same in Jan get in touch and we can redo the initial home assessment and take it from there, to you are on the Feb/mar prep course, dates to be confirmed.
I can’t help myself I have to ring them and check that this isn’t a mistake. Both the social worker and the manager are not available, without sounding cynical, surprise surprise its a Monday and rumour has it most of the social workers at our LA either don’t work Mondays or work from home on a Monday (our social worker told us this). However there was a lady who deals with the prep course referrals who confirmed this was not a mistake and that she had been passed our names by the manager and asked to allocate us to the next available prep course. As both November and January are full we are going to be on the Feb/mar one.
Whooohoooo – another happy dance moment!!! They seem to be frequent at the moment, here is to hoping they continue regularly...
Shock news
Well today has been action packed and fun. Whacky ware house with my nephew, trusted friend and her two little boys (who are adopted and from whom I have learnt a lot) It is always a long drive back as where she lives there is one way in and one way out and its always bad with traffic, all day every day.
I got home and the house was silent, we were out in the evening so I knew that the other half had gone for his traditional power nap (I’ve told him to make the most of these as he won’t get a moments peace when there are little ones around). I wondered into the living room and there staring up at me was a letter from our LA.
I picked it up resigning myself that it was confirmation of their telephone conversation that we weren’t being invited to apply at this stage, however it was not a letter I was expecting as we were told they would not contact us again at all and it was up to us to contact them in January should we wish to be reconsidered. As I read the words I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Your initial home assessment has now been completed and following our assessment of the report submitted we have passed your names forward to be assigned to the Feb/mar prep course. Our dates of these courses are yet to be confirmed but as soon as we have confirmed them we will write to you again.
Six weeks before the prep course we will send out to you consent forms, application forms, ID request forms and CRB check forms. It is vital that you complete these and return them as soon as possible in order for us to be able to process all of your information.”
I rang up stairs jumped on the bed (waking DH up, i should add)
and asked why the hell he hadn’t rung me to tell me this vital letter had arrived. He eventually came around and explained he hadn’t really read it as he thought it would be confirmation of the phone call as I had initially thought. The happy dance commenced around the bedroom. This isn’t really a dance as such just a crazy few minutes of jumping up and down squealing like school children.
and asked why the hell he hadn’t rung me to tell me this vital letter had arrived. He eventually came around and explained he hadn’t really read it as he thought it would be confirmation of the phone call as I had initially thought. The happy dance commenced around the bedroom. This isn’t really a dance as such just a crazy few minutes of jumping up and down squealing like school children.Reactions
A very long and hard persuasion was now my task in hand. I had spoken with a very good friend who is a foster carer and adoptive parent and she advised a complaint would most definitely only cause us future problems should we stay with this LA.
I know my husband well and telling him he is wrong is not always the best way to go about calming him down, so I relayed all of what I had been told by posters on Adoption UK and my friend to him and suggested that maybe if he called with them to discuss this calmly, then they may reconsider their decision.
The manager was again very adamant that we should go away and carry on considering our options and come back in January. One thing we had decided however is that even with this small set back we were not going to jump ship to another LA or VA. Simply because we feel it is more about dealing with the issue head on facing it and telling it you won’t back down, that it won’t beat you.
So here we are still standing strong and waiting, this will surely show them our determination and united front of our decisions.
The call we have been waiting for
So the manager we spoke to the first time that filled me with dread called today. His words were...
“I am just calling to say sorry about the wait you have had, it has been very busy recently with staff absence and heavy workloads. Unfortunately at this time we are unable to invite you to proceed. We don’t feel that you have had a long enough period of time to accept, deal with and decide that this is the definate route you are wanting to take. We need to be sure that in 12 months time you dont as a couple decide to take the operation that was offered in order to correct problems which would allow you to go on to have children naturally.Now no further details will be given on infertility in this blog to protect our privacy as a couple. We have only told parents the real reason for the infertility and are still gob-smacked that people can even ask who the problem is...
Stunned/shocked/horrified. I understand social workers are busy, I understand they are the professionals and know best based on past experiences... BUT and it is a big fat BUT. What he was telling me/using as their reason was quite simply wrong. I took a deep breath and composed myself before speaking. I had to calmly explain that I wasn’t sure if there had been a miss-understanding but the infertility process he just explained was not correct in any way shape or form.
I explained what we had been told, and went through the infertility results and the options that had been laid out to us as a couple. Unfortunately there were little options for us in having biological children and one thing we were both clear on as a couple is that IVF was not for us, we didn’t see it as natural and didn’t want to undergo this full stop. Aside from the fact that IVF may not have even been an option given our circumstances.
Before this bit upsets anyone it is important to add that our decision that IVF wasnt natural is our view for ourselves only and I should add that I have a lot of admiration for any couple that go through this and for whom it works. We believe very strongly that this is something that each couple must decide between them and we wish anyone who takes the IVF route every luck in the world.
Biology for us was probably more important for my husband. Dont get me wrong i would have loved to have birth children but when we sat down and discussed this on numerous occassions it came back to us wanting to be parents first and foremost above anything else. Sacrificing biology to parent a child who needed love and a home as much as wanted to provide that was the decision we made.
The silence that followed what i had just said was that of a stunned man. His silence and his comments to follow were screaming out “our decision has been made on having incorrect information” but let’s face it the chances of us getting an admission of this were slim. He told me that their decision had been made and that if we waited until January and re-contacted them, they would assess our situation again with a view to accepting us at this time. He also added that if my husband wanted to call them tomorrow to discuss this decision then he would also explain to him.
Well where do you go from here...
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